Jordie

this picture makes me laugh i took it of jordie in our math class he and luke and grady had taken my eye shadow and were making fake bruises on their legs =]

So jordie was like my little brother. i loved him with all my heart! i miss him so much.i will never forget when i found out about it at three am November 1st 2003.i was sleeping and i woke up just woke up for no reason but wen i did my mom and Karin c were in my bed.they were both crying and i KNEW something was wrong. my mom said jordie had been in an accident and i thought you know hes in the hospital or something and hes gonna be fine.and then she said he was shot.and again he was gonna be fine and then she said "hes dead". my heart dropped and it does every time i think of it.ill nvr forget being at coach srandts house that weekend and it was so quiet all you heard was crying..the most awful thing ever!!and then wen they had the receiving of friends the first time i went through i was with my best friends mom and she played with his hair and i wanted to just put my hand in there and tell him i loved him i think the hardest thing ive ever done is actually saying goodbye to him.im only like two months older than him i just cant believe he would be 21 this nov. i had my 21st birthday Wednesday and by the end of the night when we were at McClarens i sat outside and thought about him [bad idea btw] i sat there and cried and i didnt want to tell anyone why i was upset but it was because i knew he would never be able to sit at a bar and have his first drink. kinda a bad thing to think of when your trying to party you know?

Numbness

so for the past2 years or so Ive been numb to most emotion i wasn't able to cry about things that normally made me cry i couldn't truly be happy i wasn't even able to really get mad

lately Ive felt like a big burden of my family like if i wasn't around everything would be better for them now i know i know "killing" yourself isn't worth it and I'm not saying i would ever try that I'm a big chicken lol.. but its just the thought of wow they wouldn't argue as much or they would have the money to go on a vaca or something... idk its all in my head.

i want everyone that reads this blog to know if i tell you that i love you i mean it and if i tell you that i love you with all of my heart im being honest..i dont lyk to lie to people..i just wish there was some way that i could truely express what it is i feel right now i dont have a way with words but i can only tell you in the best way i can think of ...

back to the brokenness and feeling unloved

im the kind of person that i have such a low self esteem that i dont think any1 could ever love me i second guess pretty much every word someone says to me. so i always wonder hmm, do they really like me are they really my friend. i need to hear people tell me that they love me and i like to hear people call me sweetie and hunny and little things like that no1 really knows how much the little things in life truly mean to me. and i keep thinking about how stupid it really is to fight with people you love be it friends or family, because you really have no idea how much longer they will be around. nothing is worth living the rest of your life knowing you didnt tell someone something when you had the chance you can never go back and make it rite so say what you need to say. and dont holf things against people.